The BatCast does Beauty and the Beast!
by BatTitan
Summary: Well, our favorite characters are doing a parody of Disney's Beauty and the Beast! See first chapter for the cast list.
1. Cast

**Cast **

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Hey, guys, if you have any ideas for changes in casting (except for Belle, Beast, and Maurice. I will NOT change them) please tell me!

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Roles:

Belle: Batgirl/Barbara Gordon

Beast: Nightwing/Richard Grayson

Gaston: Joker/…I don't know his real name.

Lefou (or whoever that lackey that follows Gaston is): Harley Quinn/Harleen Quinzelle

Maurice: Batman/Bruce Wayne

Mrs. Potts: Dr. Leslie Thompkins

Chip: Robin/Tim Drake

Lumiere: Newbie - er, I mean, Terry McGinnis

Cogsworth: Alfred Pennyworth

Comments on cast:

Belle/Batgirl: Well, I wanted it to be a DickxBarbara pairing…

Beast/Nightwing: See Belle/Batgirl.

Gaston/Joker: I was kind of getting desperate.

Lefou/Harley: Well, Harley adores Joker a lot…

Maurice/Batman: I wanted to torture him a bit. He is so going to kill me for this.

Mrs. Potts/Leslie: See Gaston/Joker.

Chip/Robin: See Maurice/Batman.

Lumiere/Terry: I know Terry is not in that time period, but for the sake of the story, let's pretend, shall we? Yes? Good.

Cogsworth/Alfred: This worked out perfectly…except for the scolding Cogsworth does, but we can skip that, can't we? 

_Other characters will be assigned roles as the story continues._

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**Like I said, if there's any change you want to make, except for Belle, Beast, and Maurice, please inform me. Ideas for another Gaston is VERY appreciated. Not that I don't like Joker and all, but him and Batgirl...ew. R&R!**


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 **

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Hey, I figured I'd make this a mostly humor story, so I did my best on this. Enjoy!

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"I don't want to be a narrator. I want to be a main character!" Jonathan Crane, known to society as the Scarecrow, whined.

"Do it or I'll give you a dose of your own fear gas, only tripled," BatTitan threatened and Scarecrow gulped, looking back at his script before beginning.

"Once upon a time-"

"It even starts out lame!" Nightwing called from backstage, "The Lion King is better than this, we should have done that!"

"Hey, this movie is awesome!" BatTitan argued, "But yeah, the Lion King's better. I just wanted Batman to play Maurice." She turned to the quivering Dr. Crane, ignoring the glare she was receiving from our favorite Dark Knight. "Continue."

"Yes, ma'am." He shakily cleared his throat and continued, "-in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind."

"Jeez, what a jerk," Batgirl mumbled and Nightwing glared at her.

"I happen to be playing him."

"Well, you _are_ a jerk," she replied calmly and Nightwing banged his head against a wall in despair.

"But then, one winter's night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away, but she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within."

"If only people actually listened to that advice these days…" BatTitan noticed everyone staring at her and blushed slightly, ducking her head. "Carry on."

"And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress."

"Oh, I'm in trouble," Nightwing cringed as Batgirl smirked.

"The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart, and as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast, and placed a powerful spell on the castle, and all who lived there."

"Not my beautiful face!" Nightwing cried.

"Oh, and you don't care about the others?" Batgirl questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Er…not really." Batgirl hit him upside the head as he yelped.

"Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his twenty-first year."

"Wait a second, I'm twenty now!" Nightwing shouted as BatTitan cackled. "You're going to kill me off in one year?!" he yelled at her.

"Yeah, pretty much." He sent her a death glare and she merely smiled sweetly back at him.

"If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell-"

"Who said it had to be a girl?" Batman commented and Nightwing glared at him.

"Are you insinuating that I'm gay?!" he demanded and BatTitan fell off her director's chair as everyone stared at her.

"You killed the author," Robin piped up with wide eyes, staring at Batman, who was also rather surprised. Suddenly, BatTitan sat back up, her face decidedly pale.

"Don't ever do that again, Bruce!" Batgirl, Nightwing, and Robin all gasped as Batman sent the authoress an evil glare. "Don't worry, I'll erase the bad guys' memories. But I'm giving you a tape of the show."

"Thanks," he replied dryly before Scarecrow continued.

"-then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair, and lost all hope-"

"No kidding, have you seen this outfit?!" Nightwing called out as both Batgirl and Robin snickered.

"-for who could ever learn to love a beast?" Scarecrow finished with a smug smirk. He hadn't made a single mistake and was very proud of himself.

"Okay, Johnny, you're done for now, but I'm keeping you here for any extra role I need." A trapdoor opened and he fell down, screaming. BatTitan grinned evilly, letting go of the lever that opened the trapdoor. "Oops." Everyone inched away from her, even Joker. He did _not_ want to mess with this insane girl. "Okay, let's get ready for the market scene! Move it, people!" Everyone practically raced to get into their positions.

"Wait, you said you'd give us a tape, right?" Robin asked and BatTitan nodded. "Who's taping us?"

"Spongebob, of course," came the reply.

"I see." Robin ran to hide behind Batman, who was quite disconcerted at the sight of a square yellow sponge giggling madly while holding a camera.

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**Don't worry, Spongebob haters, he's only going to show up in this chapter and the very end. R&R!**


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 **

**It's a miracle, I updated twice in one week! (faints from shock) Anyway, I'm glad you like it so far, but I'm not so sure I'm being funny enough. Enjoy!**

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"But I don't want to sing!" Batgirl protested. 

"Come on, Barbara, please?" BatTitan pleaded.

"Fine. But it's not because I want to sing, it's because of those damn puppy-eyes," Batgirl relented. BatTitan grinned and stepped back, signaling to Spongebob to start filming and he did so, focusing on the little cottage that Batgirl was about to come out of.

"Action!" BatTitan called, settling back into her special director's chair with her real name printed on the back. The cast had already gotten a good laugh out of her name, so she wasn't too bothered by the occasional giggle every now and then.

Batgirl peeked out of the cottage. "Now?"

"Yes, now!" BatTitan snapped irritably.

"All right, all right, jeez…" She walked outside, basket in hand, as Nightwing leaned forward in anticipation. As he had, unfortunately, grown up on Beauty and the Beast, he knew that she would have to sing in this scene.

Batgirl glared at everyone, daring them to laugh, before starting to sing.

_"Little town_

_It's a quiet village." _Nightwing's jaw dropped. He never knew Barbara could sing this well.

_"Every day_

_Like the one before_

_Little town_

_Full of little people_

_Waking up to say…"_

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Penguin shouted and BatTitan glared.

"What is it, Ozzie?" Robin chuckled at Penguin's new nickname.

"We are not French, therefore we cannot do this," Penguin retorted.

"I sing in French, and I don't even know half the things I say," BatTitan argued, "Now go on before you meet the same fate as Mr. Phobia down there."

"It's dark in here," everyone heard Scarecrow whimper from beneath the set.

"Quiet, you!" She stomped on the floor, silencing his cries for help. Everyone eyed her warily before continuing.

"Bonjour!"

"Bonjour!"

"Bonjour!"

"Bonjour!"

"Bonjour!" Five different Arkhamites shouted in quick succession.

_"There goes the baker with his tray like always_

_The same old bread and rolls to sell_

_Every morning just the same_

_Since the morning that we came_

_To this poor provincial town," _Batgirl sang before the baker, the Riddler, called out, "Good morning, Batgirl!"

"Morning, monsieur!" Batgirl said in a perky voice before wincing at her own hyperactivity.

"Tone it down!" BatTitan called and Batgirl obeyed gladly.

"Just because you hate me, you reduce me to a baker," Riddler grumbled and BatTitan smiled sweetly before deciding to go off with Robin and play chess. Riddler scowled, but then plastered a fake smile on his face, "Where are you off to?"

"The bookshop," Batgirl responded excitedly. She really seemed to be getting into her role. "I just finished the most _wonderful_ story about a beanstalk and an ogre and-"

"That's stupid. Where's the blood?" Riddler demanded and Batgirl glared at him before stalking off.

_"Look, there she goes_

_That girl is strange, no question_

_A most peculiar mademoiselle_

_Never part of any crowd_

_Cause her head's up on some cloud_

_No denying she's a funny girl, Batgirl," _different Arkhamites sang.They went on through the market scene, arguing about stupid things like eggs and prices and stuff while Batman banged his head against a wall backstage.

_"There must be more than this provincial life!" _Batgirl sang, arriving at the bookshop. Then she stopped upon seeing the bookshop owner, "Dad?"

"I know, that kid's crazy," Jim Gordon grumbled.

"I heard that!" BatTitan called while taking Robin's pawn. "Check."

"How'd you put me in check in three different ways?" Robin questioned in disbelief.

"Cause I'm good at this game," she replied smugly. When he looked away, she moved his castle so that it was directly in the path of her queen. Batman noticed this, but 'forgot' to tell Robin, hoping that the loss would tone down his ego a little. "Keep going, ignore us!" BatTitan called, gesturing for them to continue.

"Good morning, I've come to return the book I borrowed," Batgirl stated dully, handing the book in her basket to her father.

"No need for that attitude, Barbara, even I'm not that depressed," Jim reprimanded.

"She made me sing," Batgirl retorted.

"Point taken. Finished already?" he said the last part loud enough for the makeshift audience to hear. Unfortunately, they were cardboard cutouts, so they couldn't hear anyway. But he didn't have to know that.

"Oh, but I couldn't put it down. Got anything new?" Batgirl asked, climbing up on the ladder and looking through the shelves.

"Not since yesterday," Jim replied with a chuckle.

"That's okay. I'll borrow…this one," Batgirl handed him a book.

"That one? But you've read it twice!" Jim exclaimed.

"But it's my favorite!" Batgirl swung on the ladder, "Far-off places, daring swordfights, magic spells, a prince in disguise!"

"Barbara, honey, stop that, you'll break your neck!" Jim admonished as everyone snickered. Batgirl turned as red as her hair.

"Daddy, not now!"

"Sorry," Jim apologized before continuing his role, "Well, if you like it that much, it's yours."

"But-" Batgirl began.

"I insist," Jim cut her off.

"Thank you, thank you very much!" Batgirl walked out of the shop, pretending to be immersed in her book while keeping an eye on the road in front of her so that she avoided any carts or people.

_"Look, there she goes_

_That girl is so peculiar_

_I wonder if she's feeling well_

_With a dreamy far-off look_

_And her nose stuck in a book_

_What a puzzle to the rest of us, Batgirl!"_ more Arkhamites sang.

"How many Arkhamites are there?" BatTitan asked Batman, who scowled. As if he did anything else.

"Far too many." BatTitan smiled at that typical response before killing off Robin's queen as the Boy Wonder's jaw dropped in shock.

_"Oh, isn't this amazing_

_It's my favorite part because_

_You'll see_

_Here's where she meets Prince Charming_

_But she won't discover that it's him_

_Till Chapter Three,"_ Batgirl sang.

"I love that part!" BatTitan smiled before Robin knocked off her queen as well with one of his bishops, smirking in triumph. When he turned away, BatTitan moved her knight where her queen had originally been, right in front of the king.

_"Now it's no wonder that her name means beauty _

_Her looks have got no parallel," _Poison Ivy sang.

"Wait, my name means beauty?" Batgirl asked.

"No, but pretend it does for the sake of the song," BatTitan said absently, pretending to ponder her next move, even though she knew it already.

_"But behind that fair façade_

_I'm afraid she's rather odd,"_ Two-Face sang.

"Thanks a lot," Batgirl deadpanned, glaring at Two-Face, who merely shrugged.

_"Very different from the rest of us_

_She's nothing like the rest of us_

_Yes, different from the rest of us, Batgirl!"_ A gunshot rang out, killing one of the birds that were flying by.

"NOT THE BIRDIE!" BatTitan cried, but then blushed at the realization that everyone was staring at her. "Sorry. I'm all for animal rights."

"Wow, you didn't miss a shot, Puddin'!" Harley squealed, hopping over to Joker excitedly, "You're the greatest hunter in the world!"

"I know," Joker replied with a smug smirk.

"No beast alive stands a chance against you! And no girl, for that matter," Harley added this last part bitterly.

"It's true, Harl, and I've got my sights set on _that _one." Joker pointed at Batgirl, who was wandering away from him. Nightwing gagged from backstage and Batman's expression darkened even more, if that was at all possible.

"The inventor's daughter?" Harley gasped.

"She's the one, the lucky girl I'm going to marry!" Joker proclaimed.

"EWW!" Batgirl complained.

"You don't end up marrying him. Or so I've heard!" Nightwing added hastily, but the damage had been done. Batgirl was laughing at him for having watched a 'sappy' movie.

"But she's-" Harley began.

"The most beautiful girl in town." Joker grimaced at that. "Which makes her the best. And don't I deserve the best?" he snarled.

"Well, of course, I mean, you do, but-"

_"Right from the moment when I met her, saw her_

_I said she's gorgeous and I fell_

_Here in town there's only she_

_Who's as beautiful as me_

_So I'm making plans to woo and marry Batgirl!"_ Joker sang and everyone was shocked. He actually sounded half-decent.

_"Look there he goes_

_Isn't he dreamy_

_Monsieur Joker_

_Oh, he's so cute!"_ three Arkhamite girls sang, Harley being one of them.

"Please just put me out of my misery," Nightwing begged Batman, who was trying to block the song out by covering his ears.

_"Be still, my heart_

_I'm hardly breathing_

_He's such a tall, dark, strong and handsome brute!"_ The people onset argued once more.

_"There must be more than this provincial life!"_ Batgirl sang, twirling around.

_"Just watch, I'm going to make her my wife!"_ Joker sang, but was cut off by the other members onset.

_"Look, there she goes_

_That girl is strange, but special_

_A most peculiar mademoiselle_

_It's a pity and a sin_

_She doesn't quite fit in_

_But she really is a funny girl_

_A beauty, but a funny girl_

_She really is a funny girl, Batgirl!"_ The song ended.

"CHECKMATE!" Everyone stared at BatTitan, who had leapt up in victory. "Heh, ignore that," she muttered with a blush, sinking back into her seat as Robin stared in shock at his king, which had been knocked over by BatTitan's knight.

"You know, I just remembered," Batman said finally, "How on earth did you know our names?"

"Funny story about that, Bruce…" BatTitan began, grinning sheepishly, "While I tell him what's going on, you guys get ready for the next scene! Off with you!" She began quietly explaining to Batman.

Five full minutes later, everyone heard a shocked yell, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, I'M IN SEVERAL TELEVISION SHOWS AND MOVIES?!"

"Uh, guys, take the rest of the day off, I'm going to show Batman how famous he is," BatTitan ordered, dragging Batman into the media room where all the episodes of Batman: The Animated Series and all the movies based on Batman were. There were other shows based on Batman as well in there, like The Batman, Batman Beyond, etc., but BatTitan chose the animated series as the episodes she would show him. She sighed, knowing that this would be a LONG day.

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**Thank you, brucefan, for the ideas in changing roles, but I'm not so sure Harvey Dent would make a good Gaston (well, at least, the idea of him and Batgirl is just as bad as Joker and Batgirl). Batman as Gaston...well, I don't see him as egotistical. Even if he is self-absorbed.**

**Batman: HEY!**

**Me: You're still awesome.**

**Batman: Thank you. (smirks smugly)**

**Me: And as for Riddler...same reason as Harvey Dent. Other than that, R&R and please, give me ideas!**


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3

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**Hey, sorry I haven't updated in a while, school's been keeping me down and I've been a bit sick. And by the way, Bruce's reaction to being called Papa was given to me by one of my best friends, who I won't name on here for the sake of her privacy. Enjoy!**

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"So all these DVDs are of me."

"Yes."

"And Nightwing, Batgirl, Robin, Alfred and anyone I have ever come in contact with."

_"Yes." _BatTitan was really getting annoyed with Batman.

"And they reveal our secret identities."

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, YES!" she shouted, having finally snapped.

Batman flinched at the outburst. "Sorry."

"Let's just watch this one," she said after taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. She picked up Batman Begins and Batman gazed appreciatively at the cover and the logo.

"Nice."

"There's another one coming out soon called The Dark Knight. It talks about you meeting Joker." Batman's expression darkened at that. "You might as well take a seat, this could take a while. Stupid old-fashioned DVD player," she muttered under her breath, fiddling with it. Batman reached over her shoulder and pushed a red button marked Power. The player started. "I knew that," BatTitan declared.

"What else should I expect from a thirteen-year-old?" Batman retorted, sitting down on the couch.

"I'm turning fourteen soon enough," she snapped, dropping down beside him and pressing Menu on the remote before turning on the English subtitles.

"Why subtitles?" Batman questioned.

"I have a slight hearing problem," BatTitan admitted, "So if I miss a line, I can look down and read what I missed." Without letting him remark on that, she turned on the movie. Batman seemed slightly impressed by the introduction, but then assumed a blank expression as his life flashed before his eyes…literally.

Somewhere near the end, Alfred stated, "When you told me your grand plan for saving Gotham, all that stopped me from calling the men in white coats was when you said it wasn't about thrill-seeking."

"It's not," Bruce said.

"Then what do you call that?" Alfred pointed at the television, where police cars chasing the Batmobile could be seen.

"Damn good television," Bruce muttered as BatTitan stifled a laugh.

"I liked that line," she offered as an explanation when Batman glanced curiously at her. "You were funny, what happened to you?"

"I became Batman."

"Ah, that explains a lot," she said with a smirk. When the movie ended, she got up, ejecting the DVD and placing it back in the cover. "We should probably go back and continue filming."

"Do we have to?" Batman asked, seemingly regressing to the age of five.

"Yes, we have to. Come on." She practically dragged a reluctant Batman outside, where the other cast members were enjoying their break.

"Okay, guys, forget the day off, 'cause we're back early! Dick, Barbara, Tim, if you want information, ask Bruce," BatTitan ordered, "Time for the next scene, move it!" Everyone ran to get in position, muttering angrily that they didn't want to be here and that the day off was good while it lasted. "Okay, action!" BatTitan called, dropping back into her special director's chair.

"Hello, Batgirl," Joker greeted.

"Hello, Joker," Batgirl replied dully. Joker grabbed Batgirl's book, flipping through it. "Joker, may I have my book, please?"

"No, but thanks for asking nicely." BatTitan narrowed her chocolate-brown eyes at Joker, who gulped and reverted to the script's version. "How can you read this? There's no pictures!" Everyone winced at the bad grammar.

"Well, some people use their imaginations," Batgirl retorted, attempting to grab the book back from him.

"Batgirl, it's about time you got your head out of those books-" Joker tossed the book into a mud puddle at this, "-and paid attention to more important things…like me," he added smugly as all the girls except for Harley gagged. Come to mention it, even the boys gagged. "The whole town's talking about it."

"Great, something new for them to gossip about, when will they shut up?" Batgirl muttered.

"It's not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas…and thinking…"

"I can easily slap you right now, you know," Batgirl threatened.

"Allow me," BatTitan said, jumping onto the set and smacking Joker across the face. "Okay, I'm good. Carry on," she said, going back to her director's chair as Nightwing and Robin stared at her in awe.

"All hail," they whispered, bowing repeatedly to BatTitan as she scowled, tossing her raven-colored hair over her shoulder in annoyance.

"I'll slap you two next if you don't shut up." She smirked at their terrified expressions, proud of herself for having scared two Batman-trained vigilantes. Now if only she could scare Batgirl and the Bat himself…

"Joker, you are positively primeval," Batgirl snapped as this was going on, picking up her book and wiping the mud off.

"Why, thank you, Batgirl," Joker said, rubbing his face where BatTitan had slapped him.

Batgirl glared at him, muttering something that sounded oddly like, "Pick up a dictionary sometime, jerk."

"What _does _primeval mean, anyway?" BatTitan questioned.

"It means primitive, unsophisticated, and sometimes crude," Nightwing stated and everyone stared at him. "What? I can be smart! I use my head!"

"Too bad you don't most of the time," Batman muttered.

"I heard that!"

"Argue outside, please," BatTitan groaned, clutching her head and the two vigilantes exited the room. Soon, everyone could hear shouting coming from the corridor of the studio. "Dos this happen all the time?" BatTitan asked Robin.

"Unfortunately," he admitted.

"How do you put up with it?"

"I usually just cover my ears until it's over," he suggested.

"I'll keep that in mind, thanks, Timmy," BatTitan smiled, "Continue, guys!"

"Wait a second!" Robin interrupted, "Before you start…Timmy?"

"Would you prefer Timmy-kins?" she replied innocently and he glared at her. "Timmy it is, then. Okay, guys, _now _you can continue."

"Oh, I'm sorry, are we needed now?" Batgirl asked sarcastically as BatTitan glared.

"Don't give me that, just act!"

"Fine," Joker muttered, "Hey, whaddya say you and me take a walk over to the tavern and have a look at my hunting trophies?"

"Not a chance in-" BatTitan cleared her throat warningly. "I-I mean, maybe some other time," Batgirl amended nervously as BatTitan smirked proudly. Three Bat-trained vigilantes down.

"What's wrong with her?" one girl whispered.

"Is she crazy?"

"He's gorgeous," Harley sighed.

"Please, Joker, I can't. I have to get home and help my father," Batgirl pleaded, wrenching her hand away from Joker's.

"That crazy old loon needs all the help he can get!" Harley sneered.

"Well, you got the crazy part right," Batgirl muttered, but heard someone clear his throat and turned to find Batman glaring at her, having returned from his argument with Nightwing. She waved innocently and he merely narrowed his eyes as she gulped, moving on to the next line. "Don't you talk about my father that way!" she reprimanded.

"Uh, yeah, don't talk about her father that way! Even if in this case, it's true," Joker added.

"I'm warning you, Joker…" Batman growled.

"Knock it off, Bruce," BatTitan mumbled tiredly, passing a hand over her face. She was beginning to regret taking on this job, but since she was a girl of her word, she would make it to the end without any unnecessary bloodshed ("unnecessary" being the operative word).

"My father's not crazy! He's a genius!" Batgirl declared, "But not really." She mumbled the last part under her breath.

"What was that?!" Batman thundered.

"Shut up!" BatTitan yelled at him and he stepped back slightly, surprised that a mere thirteen-year-old could have such a loud voice. "Cue the explosion!" she snapped at Terry, who was also handling special effects.

"Wait, who is he?" Batman demanded, pointing at Terry, who waved innocently at him.

"Oh, you were growing old, so you needed a new Batman, so you picked Terry," BatTitan explained calmly, "I brought him back in time to play Lumiere and control the special effects."

"Do I even want to know why I picked him?" Batman asked, seeing his supposed successor grin mischievously upon noticing the special effects board.

"Well…he's cute, for one thing." Batman glared at her. "Sorry, fangirlism coming through there."

"Sorry, I've got Dana!" Terry called and BatTitan rolled her eyes.

"Just make the explosion, Terry!" He grinned evilly before setting off the fake explosion. "Pyro," she muttered and he smirked.

"Got that right."

"Okay, Bruce, go in there." She pointed at the cottage and Batman shook his head. "Please go in there?" He glared before shaking his head again. "Don't make me sedate you." He blanched before, grumbling, heading into the cottage.

"Pa-" Batgirl began, entering the house.

"Don't you dare," Batman warned.

"Fine, dad, daddy, father, whatever works for you," Batgirl said, cowering slightly.

"Stick to the script!" BatTitan ordered.

"I'm sorry, but I'm scared!" Batgirl whimpered.

"You should be," Batman growled.

"Bruce, stop being threatening and get on with the script before I show _everyone _the Batman Begins DVD," BatTitan instructed and he scowled before acquiescing. "Don't worry, I'll give it to you guys, anyway," she whispered to Nightwing and Robin, who smirked upon hearing that they would get blackmail against their mentor. "Now do it," she snapped at Batman.

"Uh…how on earth did that happen?" he asked, looking over at the broken machine.

"Are you all right…Papa?" Batgirl snickered.

"Shut up or I'm taking you off patrol," he threatened before muttering, "I'm just about ready to give up on this pile of junk."

"You always say that," Batgirl replied.

"No, I don't," Batman retorted.

"Yeah, you do!" Nightwing and Robin chorused as he shot them a glare.

"I mean it this time," Batman said, continuing the script reluctantly, "I'll never get this machine to work."

"Yes, you will. And you'll win first prize at the fair tomorrow." Batman rolled his eyes under the cowl. "And become a world famous inventor," Batgirl finished.

"Well, technically, he's already world-famous," BatTitan put in and shot at Batman, "Don't even _think_ about glaring at me. I'm an authoress on the edge!" Her eyes held a manic look to them, so Batman backed off for the sake of his own well-being. "Just skip the mushy stuff and go straight to the 'How was town' line," she ordered and both Batgirl and Batman looked relieved.

"So…did you have a good time in town today?" Batman asked awkwardly.

"I got a new book," Batgirl replied, "Pa-"

"Don't protest!" BatTitan shouted angrily.

"I…wasn't going to…" Batman replied, eyeing the hyperactive authoress warily.

"Oh." She deflated instantly. "In that case, continue while I go crawl under a rock."

"Can you stay there?" Penguin asked and she glared before pulling another lever.

"Thank God, I'm not alone!" everyone heard Scarecrow sigh in relief as Penguin joined him in the abyss below the stage.

"If you even think about bowing, I'll slap you, no matter how cute you are," BatTitan snapped at Robin, who was about to do just that.

"Okay, okay, I won't-wait…did you just call me cute?"

"Um…keep going!" she commanded, blushing furiously.

"Wait a min-" She placed a piece of tape over his mouth, causing his voice to come out muffled.

"I'll take it off later," she said to Batman, who was glowering at her. "Now continue."

"-pa, do you think I'm odd?" Batgirl finished.

"…do you really want to know the answer to that?" She glared at him and he suppressed a smirk before replying, "I mean…my daughter? Odd? I find that highly likely."

"Bruce!" BatTitan reprimanded.

"Sorry…I mean, where would you get an idea like that?"

"Oh, I don't know. It's just that I'm not sure I fit in here. There's no one I can really talk to."

"And I care…why?"

"Bruce, try to be sympathetic," BatTitan admonished. He rolled his eyes, but obeyed.

"What about that Joker? He's a handsome fellow." He grimaced. "I can't believe I said that."

"Well, it's true, Batsy!" Joker called out and BatTitan threateningly waved a tranquilizer gun in his direction as he gulped before shutting up.

"He's handsome all right, and rude, and conceited, and-"

"I'm not _that_ conceited!" Joker sniffled, pretending to cry.

"Shut up! I mean it! I will end you!" BatTitan shouted as the Clown Prince of Crime whimpered and backed away. Every other cast member was staring at her in shock as she calmly directed, "Go ahead."

"He's not for me," Batgirl completed her sentence.

"Okay, give it a try," Batman said, gesturing to the machine.

"Do we have to?" Batgirl asked nervously.

"Yes," BatTitan replied, "Terry, you _did _fix it, right?"

"Why do you need to fix it?" Nightwing questioned.

"It was a machine from the last movie made in this studio, _When Flamethrowers Attack_. Not made by me."

"Yeah, of course I fixed it," Terry replied confidently.

"AAH!" The machine had spurted a jet of fire, just barely missing Batman's head. BatTitan frowned at Terry and he grinned sheepishly.

"Oops?" She narrowed her eyes. "I'd…better…run…" He trailed off under her death glare and raced out the door.

"He'll be back," the authoress replied, "Can someone kill the evil machine?"

"Gladly," Batman replied, throwing an explosive and destroying the machine.

"Okay, while we clean up this mess, the rest of you get ready for the next scene," BatTitan suggested as she gathered fire extinguishers.

"MMM! MMM-MMM-MMM-MMM!" Robin was madly gesturing to his mouth.

"Oh, sorry, Timmy." She ripped off the tape. There was a moment of silence before Robin broke it, rubbing his mouth ruefully.

"Ow."

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**You have to admit, I'm hilarious when I feel like it. And since I've been sick, I've needed to write this to give myself a laugh. Make my day by reviewing, please! R&R!**


	5. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4

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**This isn't a very long chapter and doesn't get far in the story because I just wanted to give you all an update before I leave the country for three weeks (going to India). Enjoy!**

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"Okay, guys, get ready for the next scene! Terry, this is your debut. Don't screw it up," BatTitan commanded.

"Jeez, you're worse than the old man," Terry grumbled.

"He means you," BatTitan said to Batman, who took the opportunity to glare at Terry.

"See? He hates me in this time, too!" Terry exclaimed.

"Knock it off, McGinnis," BatTitan said tiredly.

"Make me, _Shoebox_." She slowly turned towards Terry.

"_What_ did you call me?"

"I heard Josh call you that. Thought it might be fun." She punched Terry in the arm. "OW! Why'd you do that?!" he yelped.

"A, you were near Josh in the first place. And two…" Everyone rolled their eyes at this. "…you actually listened to said moron."

"Okay, okay, I won't listen to Josh anymore. He's annoying, anyway."

"Welcome to my world," BatTitan sighed sadly, "I had to put up with him every Spanish class _and _study hall. Thank God it's summer vacation."

"You poor traumatized soul," Batgirl said sympathetically, patting BatTitan on the back.

"You've met him?"

"No." She pointed out the window and BatTitan looked to see a spiky-haired boy gesturing with a sign that said "SHOEBOX" in bright pink letters.

"JOSH, YOU BAS-" Batman clapped a hand over BatTitan's mouth before she could curse and pulled her back so that she couldn't lunge at the window. "Okay, I'm calm," the authoress said in a muffled voice and Batman let go of her. "Bruce, can I borrow a Batarang?"

"…fine." She took the Batarang from him and waved it threateningly in Josh's direction as the boy gulped and ran away, dropping the sign.

"Okay, here you go." She returned the Batarang to Batman, who pocketed it with a small smirk. "Now to destroy that sign." She went outside, grabbed the sign, and brought it back in, shuddering slightly. "I _hate_ pink." She placed the sign in a wood-chipper and destroyed it. "Okay, let's start the scene!" Terry sighed exasperatedly. He was so hoping that calling her by her hated nickname would have postponed the play for a much longer time than that.

When everyone was situated, BatTitan sat back.

"Okay, action!"

"We're starting from where I leave, right?" Batman questioned.

"Right."

"I am not taking a horse."

"Where does it say that?" He showed her the script, where it said _Batman mounts horse_. "Sorry, I forgot to change that." She scribbled it out of the script. "It's the twenty-first century, you can walk if you want. It's not that far of a walk because this is a small studio. Although, when you have to get lost, you can't blame it on the horse."

Batman paled. "On second thought, maybe the horse isn't so bad…"

"Too late, I changed the script. You're walking. And it's all your fault when you get lost." He glared at her and she gave him a cute smile.

"I despise you."

"I love you, too, Brucie." Nightwing and Robin snickered and Batgirl hid a smile. "Okay, let's start!" BatTitan called.

"Uh…where do I start?" BatTitan sighed and pointed out a spot on Batman's script.

"We're skipping the sappy goodbyes." Both Batman and Batgirl looked relieved and Batman walked off into the 'woods.'

"Okay, which path do I take?" he questioned.

"The creepy one," BatTitan said simply.

"Fine by me." He went down that path and noticed two robot wolves. "Oookaaay…"

"You're supposed to run away from them," BatTitan instructed.

"But they're turned off."

"What?" She noticed that the wolves were not plugged in. "Oh, sorry." She plugged them in and they started growling.

"Wow. I'm terrified," Batman said sarcastically.

"Hey, I have a budget for this movie! Seven hundred dollars to be exact. And the moving ones cost five thousand dollars for some reason," BatTitan argued.

"I told you we shouldn't have gotten mechanical wolves from Wal-Mart, but _no_, you had a _coupon_," Terry reprimanded.

"And I told you to shut up!" BatTitan snapped, "So do that!" Terry did so, looking terrified as Batman walked very slowly away from the wolves while chuckling. "Bruce!" BatTitan whined.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist." He walked a bit faster until he reached the ominous-looking castle.

"Go in," BatTitan ordered Nightwing.

"No."

"Do it," she snarled and he squeaked in fear as Robin rolled on the ground with laughter.

"Yes, ma'am." He went into the castle through a back door and waited for his cue.

"That means you, too, Terry, Alfred, Robin," BatTitan ordered and Terry, Robin, and Alfred went in the same way.

"Wait a second." BatTitan turned questioningly to Nightwing, who had come back outside. "Why are you so nice to Alfred?"

"Cause he's awesome."

"And Robin and Terry?"

"Cause they're cute."

"And you're not nice to me because…?"

"You're neither." She smiled smugly as the entire cast burst out laughing, even Batman (except he was just chuckling and attempting to hide his smile).

"You…you've just been owned," Batgirl gasped through giggles and Nightwing went back inside, muttering to himself angrily.

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**Josh really does exist. Jerk. I hate his guts. He's trying to be nice to me now, but I think it's an act. And I was kidding about the whole Nightwing-not-being-awesome-or-cute thing. He really is cute lol. Oh, and to anyone who's seen Batman Beyond: could you give me a list of slang terms that they use in Terry's time? I haven't watched many episodes of Batman Beyond. Anyway, R&R!**


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